As a typically developing three-year-old, Abigail Brown contracted Rocky Mountain spotted fever. Although her parents were told that she would recover fully, doctors soon discovered that Abigail had sustained brain damage from her illness, which left her with dystonia, meaning she would never talk with her mouth again. Through the physical, emotional, and spiritual struggles that have come through her disability, Abigail has learned to trust God to get “unstuck.” Listen as Abigail (with the help of her communication device) talks with host Stephanie Daniels about how to find joy and peace by trusting God’s plan and purpose, even when life doesn’t seem to make sense.
Abigail Brown has been living with dystonia since the age of three. You may remember her Season 3 podcast episode where she shares about living joyfully with dystonia. Abigail is the founder of Silent Inspirations, a creative studio that offers stationery and home decor based on her original artwork.
To encourage women who feel alone or stuck, whether because of a disability or other challenges, Abigail wrote her book, Unstuck: Moving from Resentment to Resilience While Living with Dystonia (using only her left thumb).
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Stephanie Daniels:
Hi friends! I’m your host, Stephanie Daniels, and you’re listening to the Joni and Friends Ministry Podcast. We’re sharing hope as we answer real questions about disability. Join us every week for an honest and encouraging conversation, along with practical ways to include people with disability in your church and community. So, grab a seat, and let’s jump in!
Abigail Brown has been living with dystonia since the age of three. You may remember hearing her from a past season of our podcast. She's the founder of Silent Inspirations, a creative studio that offers stationary and home decor based on her original artwork. Abigail is based in Collinsville, Oklahoma, and when she's not writing or painting, she loves listening to audio books, connecting with friends, spending time with family, and enjoying iced coffee. Welcome back to the show, Abigail.
Abigail Brown:
Hello, everyone.
Stephanie Daniels:
Well, Abigail, I loved reading your book Unstuck. I was so not prepared for it to come for my heart like it did. It's rich with insight from your personal experience, but it applies so well to all of us. We all have to work to fight negative thoughts. And I know that your Instagram bio says you're giving joy and hope to women living with dystonia, but as I read your book, it cut straight to my heart. You are walking people through a healing journey and it's beautiful and practical, and you type this whole book with only your left thumb.
Abigail Brown:
Thank you for those kind words.
Stephanie, my ideal reader for my book, Unstuck: Moving from Resentment to Resilience While Living with Dystonia, is women who are living with dystonia, or any other disability, or situation where they feel stuck physically, emotionally, mentally, or spiritually. This book is a testament of how the Lord healed my mind, heart, and perspective about living with a disability, which previously made me feel alone and like I was the only one that was living differently and communicating differently. And now, my perspective has completely changed. But anyone, young or old, can read the book because I'm sure most people have thoughts like, "I'm the only person going through this." Or, "Nobody understands what I'm going through."
Yes. It's also true that I type everything out with my left thumb. It hasn't always been this way, but since my left hand has atrophied shut, I now have 20% dexterity in my left hand.
Stephanie Daniels:
Wow. That must have been challenging typing all of this with your left thumb, but I'm so glad that you did because your book is filled with wisdom and the world needs to hear it.
And you're absolutely right. You know, we all have those thoughts. Anyone breathing with skin on has those exact thoughts, wondering if they're the only ones experiencing their specific hardship, and chances are they're not.
In Unstuck, you write about transforming your thinking. How do you work to transform your thinking as you face dystonia daily? What challenges have you seen in your own life as a result?
Abigail Brown:
The Unstuck process is a seven-step process I take you through as you read the book. It was October of 2021, I created the acronym using the word "unstuck." Each statement on the acronym became the chapter titles for the book. Chapter one is Untangle the Patterns of Blame. Chapter two is Notice the Blessings God has Given You. Chapter three is Speak Truth to Yourself. Chapter four is Transform Your Thinking. Chapter five is Understanding that God is with You in Each Situation. Chapter six is Crush Comparison and Complaining. And lastly, chapter seven is Know Your Purpose.
It was through writing this book, I began to spot my thought patterns that I had struggled within the past and had at the time. I struggled with negative self-talk for 14 years. And would beat myself up mentally. Like I tell myself, “You are slow at typing." Or, "You are horrible at spelling."
And I had become very comfortable in the rut that I had made in my mind, and I blamed whatever I was struggling with at the time on dystonia. I had become good at putting on a smile and acting like everything was fine, when I knew deep down things were not fine.
What I have learned through this process. Is, there are several things I can't control in my life. Living with a disability. But there is one thing I can control, and that's how I think about not only myself, but also circumstances, people in my life, and God.
You may have struggled with thoughts like I did, and felt ashamed and hopeless. You may think you can never transform your thinking from negative self-talk. For now, your first step may be to share these unhelpful thoughts with one person you trust. You become courageous with yourself when you bring what you've been thinking into the light. And when you become courageous with yourself, you will start being kind to yourself.
This process is something we all have to examine every day because circumstances will arise, and our thoughts and feelings will be affected.
Stephanie Daniels:
Totally. You know, that's why I think this book is so great for everyone because how many of us become, like you said, good at putting on a smile and acting like everything is fine. I know I am queen of that a lot of the time. And you know, we do that and we know deep down that things are not okay.
Chapters two, three, and four really stand out to me ' cause those are things that I've really struggled with. Noticing the blessings that I have, speaking truth in life over myself, and transforming my thinking, not going to the negative all the time. I'm sure I'm not the only one that does that. And as a matter of fact, the Apostle Paul while in prison understood the power of positive thinking. And in your previous podcast conversation that you had with Crystal, I love that you referenced John 9:1-3, as you talked about your dungeon of despair becoming a prison of peace and praise. Why was it important for you to shift your thinking?
Abigail Brown:
It's interesting this statement, "My dungeon of despair can turn into a prison of peace and praise because God is with me in every circumstance" was written during a time when I was striving to be content with living with dystonia. Whereas now I have learned to be content, and when I'm aware that I'm thinking discouraging thoughts and disappointing thoughts, I know how to recognize if the thoughts are helpful or unhelpful.
When I said that statement, I hadn't fully accepted reality that I was truly going to live on this earth with dystonia until I go to heaven. While that sentence is true, it made me feel sad when I think about it constantly. So, it's really helpful for me to identify thoughts that aren't helping me move forward and live an abundant life like the Bible says is possible in John 10.
If we don't shift our thoughts out of the unhealthy cycle of resentment, they will continue to spiral. The resentment cycle always begins with blame, then self-pity, which leads to frustration. Finally, bitterness sets in, and bitterness is more crippling than any other disability could ever be.
So, let's begin asking the Lord to make us aware of the unhelpful thoughts and help us to shift our thoughts, or look at them in a different way. Or stop dwelling on a thought altogether. Like, for me, there used to be an abhorrent amount of thoughts in my mind dedicated to the doctor who had diagnosed me wrong. When I became aware that it was causing me to feel depressed and discontent, I chose a different thought to dwell on.
Transformation of my mind, or your mind, doesn't happen overnight. It's a process and journey that Jesus is continuing to use in our lives to produce growth and allow God to create new, flourishing thoughts.
Stephanie Daniels:
That's such a powerful truth that you just shared, that bitterness is more crippling than any other disability could ever be. It makes me think of that quote, "Not forgiving someone is like taking poison and hoping the other person will die." Bitterness and unforgiveness, and all those mental things that we hang on to, hold us captive and we do have to practice the transformation of our thinking with each thought, but we have to be mindful when the thought actually occurs. I'm telling you Abigail, this book is rich with truths. I'm so glad that it fell in my lap because I so enjoyed it.
You talk about communication. Communication is a really powerful tool, and I love how you share about speaking truth over yourself, even though you're unable to speak. For those who may have limitations with speaking or communication, can you share ways that we can communicate truth over ourselves and our circumstances to help us get unstuck?
Abigail Brown:
Even when our voices are quiet or completely silent, God still hears us. He sees beyond words. He listens to our hearts, and his truth is never limited by our ability to speak. For those who live with communication challenges, you can still speak life over yourself and your circumstances, because truth isn't always spoken aloud. It can be communicated through thought, expression, presence, creativity, and through the Holy Spirit's quiet work within you.
Here are a few ways I've learned to communicate truth to myself:
One, agree with God in your heart. You don't have to say it out loud to agree with what God says about you. Meditate on scriptures like, "I am fearfully and wonderfully made." Psalm 139:14. Or, "Nothing can separate me from the love of Christ." Romans 8:38-39. Let your heart say yes to his promises.
Two, use movement, signs, or symbols, whether it's using assistive devices, sign language, or simply placing your hand over your heart in worship, these are powerful ways to communicate with God and others. God receives your praise and your prayers however they're expressed.
Three, worship through music. You can let worship music wash over you. Nod in agreement, lift your hands, or play an instrument along with the music you are listening to.
Four, write, draw, or use art. Creativity can be a voice. Writing a truth, drawing how you feel, or using color and form to express your prayers or thoughts. These are ways to declare God's goodness in your life.
And the last way is lean into the Holy Spirit's intercession. Romans 8 26 says, "The Spirit helps us in our weakness. The Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words." Even when you feel stuck, the Holy Spirit is praying through you and for you.
You are not limited. In God's kingdom your life still speaks. Remember that sometimes the inward screams that can't be heard by anyone are welcomed by the only one who can take it and doesn't abandon you.
Stephanie Daniels:
Abigail, I love you so much for what you're sharing with us today. Because these are five great ways to center yourself in Christ, and get into agreement and alignment with what he's saying to us. And it's so beautifully true that Jesus our maker, welcomes us so lovingly with all of our feelings and habits and hurts and hangups. He doesn't judge or push us aside. And it's just such a beautiful reminder. I'm so thankful that you shared that today.
So, your book, as I keep saying, and I hope that our listeners will run and grab a copy, because it's chock full of wisdom from your real-life experience and hard lessons learned living with dystonia. So how do you stop your thoughts from circling the drain?
Abigail Brown:
I wrote this book because I found myself stuck in resentment in many areas of my life. I struggled seeing that at first when I was writing the book. I think I cried the most writing chapters one, three, and six. Just when I thought I couldn't cry anymore, I would start to cry again. These chapters were hard to write because I knew I struggled with blaming others, speaking truth to myself, and well, I struggle with comparison and complaining. So, I had to write from my experience living with dystonia.
I know I'm not the only one that struggles with these things. Everyone, rather they want to admit it or not, struggles with resentment in some area of their life. I will say, it's not a very enjoyable topic to look into when you are struggling with it. But if you get along with the Lord, he will show you what you need to correct in your life.
The purpose of Unstuck is to reach people who feel stuck either emotionally, physically, or spiritually, and invite them to move towards resilience in the Lord. My Christian life coach taught me the thought model, which is a very interesting tool to use when you are journaling and helps me become aware of thoughts that are circling around in my head.
I don't know if you are familiar with the thought model or not, but it starts with a specific circumstance in your life. For example, I remember one time my circumstance was staying at home on Friday nights. And my thought about that circumstance at the time was “I'm stuck.” And my feeling about that thought was disappointed, and my actions were annoyed with my parents, stayed in my room, and didn't spend time with my parents. So, guess what my result was? It's so funny and profound at the same time. My result is I'm stuck at home. What I just walked you through was an unintentional thought model. But there's also an intentional thought model, and this time you have to pick a different thought, a thought that seems doable about the circumstance, and you go through the same process. You choose how you feel when you think a certain thought, then feelings produce actions, and then you get your result.
As I mentioned in the book. It took me a while to really figure out what I was feeling. My life coach was so patient with me. I was frustrated most sessions. The thought model didn't make sense to me at first. It might have been because I was so bogged down with thoughts about what others could do faster, easier, and better than I could. I had to retrain my brain and learn to think good and lovely thoughts again. Which took time, but it was time well spent.
I also do brain dumps. Those help me so much too. There's something about physically writing down my thoughts that just helps me feel better. A lot of times my thoughts make me feel heavy, but when I type them out or write them out, I feel refreshed.
Stephanie Daniels:
You know, hearing that I didn't realize that I often walk out the unintentional thought model, but it makes sense. You know, just like Proverbs 23 says, "As a man thinketh, so is he." And that was literally the case for you. Also, I love that you have a life coach. I had one as well and it was in the middle of our journey with infertility, when things were kind of intensifying and we were trying to get down to the root of things. And my vitiligo was progressing, and I just was stuck in a rut. And sometimes we need somebody to just help us and coach us through, those times. And so, I'm so glad that you shared that you had a life coach to you know, help you work through and process your thoughts.
In a world where it's so easy to become discontented because of what we see around us, or what we're going through, what we see on social media or television, you name it, how would you encourage someone to embrace where they are?
Abigail Brown:
First, let me just say, I'm not saying that you have to look at your disability or the hard circumstance you are going through as a blessing. I grew up thinking this lie and thought that I had to look at what God allowed in my life as something I enjoyed experiencing. My view of God was skewed because when we look at Jesus in the Gospels, we see that he is close to the brokenhearted, and cares very much for people living with disabilities. He actually sought out people who lived with disabilities in that time, like the lame man and blind man. We live in a fallen world where tragic circumstances and events happen all the time to nonbelievers and believers in Jesus Christ alike.
So how can we as believers in Jesus Christ be content when unjust and unfair circumstances happen? In my book Unstuck: Moving from Resentment to Resilience While Living with Dystonia, I share practical ways to do this. For example, I made a list of things I can do and things I can control in my life, and a list of things I'm not able to do or things that are out of my control. And since writing this book, I continue to find things that I can accomplish on my own, all while living with a disability. And the ‘I can’ list keeps growing. Like answering these questions took many days to think about and type out. If I chose to focus on what I'm unable to do, life would not be as enjoyable and I wouldn't have answered these questions on time.
We can still live an abundant life, even when circumstances don't align with what we thought our lives would look like. Trust me, it is possible. I lived with my parents for 12 years after I graduated high school, and I didn't ever think I'd be living the life I am today. Living life as independent as possible, and freedom from the self-loathing thoughts and lies I once believed.
As far as embracing what you're going through or living with, it's a choice you have to make. I personally don't want to hug what I live with every day. One definition of embrace is to accept or support something willingly and enthusiastically. But from a Christian perspective, embrace means to accept something fully and willingly, to hold onto it with trust, even if it's hard or unfamiliar.
It's not just about accepting what is but about choosing to see it through the lens of God's love, purpose, and faithfulness. To embrace your life, your journey, or even your limitations doesn't mean you love every struggle, but it means you trust that God is with you in it and that he is working through it for your good.
It is like opening your arms to what God is doing, saying, "Lord, I don't have to understand everything, but I trust you with everything." And that definition reminds me of a story I share in chapter five, and I'd love to read that section to you right now. Chapter five is about understanding that God is with you in each situation.
The section begins, "There was a time recently when I questioned again why the Lord had allowed dystonia in my life. I was in the middle of writing this book, and I needed to get unstuck yet again. As it turns out, staying unstuck is a daily battle. I was trying to work on this chapter and kept asking the Lord which stories I should share. My parents had gone on vacation, so I had the house all to myself for 10 days. Of course, a productive writing week was all planned out in my head. This is the perfect opportunity to write because I'm not even tight. I could get several chapters written. Or so I thought.
As the week progressed, I'd sit down to write, but everything I wrote felt forced. So, I'd stop and walk around inside the house listening to a Christian meditation podcast called the Revelation Wellness Podcast. The topic the instructor was talking about that week was the presence of God. I didn't want to stop listening, so I walked around the house from the kitchen to the dining room, into the entryway, through the living room, and then I'd be back in the kitchen bar area.
I did five laps that way, then rested long enough to have energy for five more laps. At the end of that day's episode, I was in tears. I could see the image the instructor was describing. Jesus was looking at me and holding both of my hands. It normally takes time to pry open my left hand because three of my fingers have atrophied shut.
But when I imagined Jesus reaching out to hold my hands, he didn't hesitate to take them in his and he held them until they relaxed. Immediately I remembered a sermon I had heard a few weeks before. The guest preacher had taught out a Philippians 4:6 reading, "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God." And wouldn't you know that the preacher talked about how we need to let go of the situations that the Lord has allowed in our lives and give them to God?
Believe me, I have done that plenty of times while living with dystonia. But I had picked up the unanswerable questions again and I sensed that Jesus wanted to pry my hands open so that I could let go. You might be thinking, "Abigail, that's great for you, but I've prayed and prayed, and the Lord still feels very far away." I have felt that way too. Sometimes the inward screams that can't be heard by anyone are welcomed by the only one who can take it and doesn't abandon us. So, while it may seem like he's not listening or paying attention, he is very aware of what's happening in your life.
The Bible is filled with good promises like Deuteronomy 31:6 which says, "Be strong and of good courage. Do not fear nor be afraid of them. For the Lord your God, he is the one who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you." That promise, along with all the rest, will continue to be true until the Lord returns and until he does, he sends his presence to comfort us when life doesn't make sense.
Stephanie Daniels:
I really love your honesty here, and I love that you said, "I personally don't wanna hug what I live with every day." But you shared two things that I want to go right on my mirror so I don't forget them. That, "God is with you in it, and that he's working through it for your good." And, "Lord I don't have to understand everything, but I trust you with everything."
That does make it easier to loosen our grip on things and relinquish control, because he's the one that truly is in control. So the, I could sit with you and just hear all the things that are swirling in your heart, 'cause I know that there's just so much life and anointing in you and it's just so beautiful.
Abigail, can you talk about your three-step process of growing a new thought?
Abigail Brown:
The three step process of growing a new thought is a way of looking ahead to what I wanted my thoughts to be. Then working backwards to find positive and doable thoughts that can take me there in the future. I'll say it again, transformation of my mind didn't happen overnight. It's a process and journey that Jesus is continuing to use in my life to produce growth and allow God to create new, flourishing thoughts.
An example of this is how I work through my thought, "I live with dystonia." It was a simple statement that I started saying to myself multiple times a day. At first, when I said this statement, I'd cry because it discouraged me. This was because I was focused on the word dystonia. But the key word in that sentence is living not dystonia. I'm living. I'm a child of God. I am a daughter. I am a sister. I am an aunt. I am an artist. I am a writer. I am a communicator. I am a friend. I am a church member. And so much more. Now, that's something to get excited about.
My perspective changed in the moment as I realized that it was possible to embrace life living with dystonia. And all it took was a three-step process of growing a new thought. You can try it for yourself by choosing how you want to feel in 10 years. Then back it up to the five-year mark. And finally begin with a seedling thought that you can start nourishing today.
Stephanie Daniels:
Man, it really is so easy to focus on the negative or what's not happening or what you don't have or what you're not. But I can embrace where I am now. That's something for me to chew on for sure. A seedling thought that I can nourish today. I think I need to take some time to write out some thoughts that I want to nourish for sure.
Abigail, you talked about falling physically at one point while you were at church, and all the people that saw it, they rushed over to help you. But another type of fall, a spiritual fall, it can happen so quickly and others may not know that we've fallen in our thoughts or gotten wounded by maybe something that was said to us or whatever it was that caused you to fall. When that happens, what do you see as the best means of bandaging that wound, or hurt or anger, or frustration?
Abigail Brown:
Sometimes when people tell me what they are struggling with spiritually, or physically, I have learned to listen to them because not everyone wants a solution to their problem, or hear cliches. Our words can build others upward, or tear others down. And sometimes we as humans can say insensitive things when people just want to feel safe talking to us about difficult issues in life.
Many times, I don't say much. I just try to be present and listen to the Holy Spirit and set aside time to pray for them during the week or when they come to my mind. It has only been about four or five years now since I've been learning to really understand that my thoughts affect my feelings. And I'm still learning to better communicate my thoughts and feelings with others.
Communication is important and it does take effort for people who talk verbally and for people who talk using a different mode of communication, like a communication device. It just may take us a minute to type out what we want to say, but we do have thoughts and feelings and struggles just like everyone else.
I've learned to reach out to others through texting and seeing how people in my life are doing. I understand everyone has a lot going on and we can't always be available, but there are others who have time to listen and help.
Stephanie Daniels:
I think that is a lost art, listening. And being able to listen and hear people's hearts and where they're at, what they're juggling, what they're going through. I think if we would just take time to listen that that is just so healing to be able to share, like you talked about earlier, doing a brain dump, but sometimes you just need to sit with somebody and just, like you said, be present with them.
I always talk about this, but I love good practical advice and ways that we can serve one another as the body of Christ. And you are sharing so many practical ways that we can get unstuck. And I am here for it. I really appreciate the love, care, and vulnerability that you have shared in writing this book Unstuck. I believe it's gonna help free people from resentment and any reader that reads it is gonna grow more resilient.
Is there any other encouragement you'd like to share with our listeners?
Abigail Brown:
There are several stories in my book where I share about feeling seen and known, and which I encourage your listeners to purchase online at Barnes and Noble or Books-A-Million. You can also find the links on my Facebook and Instagram pages, @abigailbrownwrites.
Thank you once again for having me back on the podcast. It's been an honor to share my story with each one listening. As I alluded to Unstuck, really came from a place of wrestling with my own limitations and learning to let God meet me right there. Not after I had it all figured out, but in the middle of the mess.
If I could leave one more encouragement with your listeners, it would be this: God is not waiting for you on the other side of your breakthrough. He is right here with you in the process. Whether you are walking through disappointment, disability, doubt, or just the weariness of life, God isn't distant. He's present and he's faithful. You don't have to have the perfect words or the perfect plan. What matters most is that you bring your whole heart to him honestly, humbly, and expectantly.
The Gospel reminds us that we are never stuck forever. Jesus [is the one who makes a way in the wilderness, brings rivers in dry places, and turns mourning into dancing. So keep showing up. Keep trusting even when it's hard. And keep whispering yes to God, even if that yes, comes through tears or silence. You are deeply loved, and your healing doesn't have to look like the world's version of success. It just has to look like Jesus walking with you. "The Lord will fight for you. You need only to be still." Exodus 14:14.
I'd like to end by sharing a poem I recently wrote based on Psalm 107. It's called "To Those Who."
The Lord Provides salvation to those who seek his face.
The Lord provides strength to those who are weary.
The Lord provides peace and security to those who are worried about safety.
The Lord provides shelter to those who are in the midst of a storm.
The Lord provides protection to those who are seeking refuge.
The Lord provides comfort to those who are brokenhearted.
The Lord provides power to those who are powerless.
The Lord provides light to those who need it.
The Lord provides stability to those who are wavering.
The Lord provides nourishment to those who are hungry and thirsty.
The Lord provides a renewed relationship to those who draw close to him.
The Lord provides his presence to those who cry out to him.
“Oh, that men would give thanks to the Lord for his goodness and for his wonderful works to the children of men.” Psalm 107:8.
Stephanie Daniels:
Oh, Abigail. Girlfriend. This is gonna be a podcast that I have to come back to and listen because like I said, it is chock-full of wisdom and encouragement, and I love that you said God will meet you right there in the middle of the mess. Messes don't scare him. He's, such a good father, and you have reminded us all of that. That he's not on the other side of the breakthrough, he's right there with us in the process.
Abigail, thank you so much for coming back on our podcast for the second time to share your insights. You have ministered to my heart and volumes, and I am so blessed to have had this time with you today.
Abigail Brown:
Thank you for the opportunity.
Stephanie Daniels:
We hope this conversation touched your heart today. If it did, consider sharing it with someone who might be encouraged as well. And don’t forget to follow us on your favorite podcasting app so you never miss an episode. See you next week!
© Joni and Friends