Christian counselor, author, and mother Darby Strickland joins Crystal Keating to talk about how to guide the children in your life through traumatic experiences. When your children, grandchildren, or other children you care for suffer, in big ways and small, you may at times feel powerless to help. But with God-given wisdom, patience, and compassion, you can provide support as they encounter serious challenges, and even devastating suffering. Tune in for help and encouragement from Darby Strickland on how to lead children through difficult times.
Get your copy of Darby’s Children’s book, Something Scary Happened (Comfort for Children in Hard Times)
Get your copy of Darby’s booklet, When Children Experience Trauma: Help for Parents and Caregivers
Learn more about Darby and her work
Darby Strickland is a Christian counselor who works with individuals and families facing a variety of issues. She was trained at Westminster Theological Seminary where she obtained a Masters of Divinity specialized in Counseling.
If you are a parent, grandparent, or caregiver counselor Darby wants you to know that you are just the right person to help the child or children in your life when they experience trauma. After a child endures a distressing event, a parent’s (or grandparent’s or caregiver’s) shepherding can play a vital role in the healing process—providing love and security. You can help the children you love to navigate their fears, guide them through their distress, and assist their recovery. The struggling child in your life does not need you to be an expert in trauma; they need you to engage with them as they suffer, pointing the way toward hope and healing.
KEY QUESTIONS:
What are the signs that a child is coping with past or present trauma?
Do you know how to provide what your child (or a child you love) needs when they’ve gone through a traumatic experience?
How can you lean on God to develop the patience, confidence, and compassion to meet the children you love in their suffering?
KEY SCRIPTURE:
Psalm 23:
The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake.
Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me;
your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.
Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.
Crystal Keating:
If you're a parent or a caregiver, you've probably devoted much of your time to leading your young ones through the joys and the hard things of life. When you're compassionate toward your children's hurts, display patience in their trials, and are a comforting presence through their disappointments, both big and small, you partner with God to lead them through difficult times.
Your guidance and support can shape your child through traumatic situations. And yet sometimes, you may feel at a loss, even helpless in protecting and healing your child's heart. So today on the podcast to help us better know how to support children who have gone through serious challenges, even devastating suffering, we are joined by mother and Christian counselor, Darby Strickland.
Darby is a good friend of the ministry and serves as an author, instructor, and faculty member of the Christian Counseling and Educational Foundation. And last year, she wrote a children's book called "Something Scary Happened", and a companion mini book for parents and caregivers called "When Children Experience Trauma: What to do When Something Scary Happens".
Darby, it is my pleasure to welcome you back to the podcast.
Darby Strickland:
Oh, it's a delight to be with you guys.
Crystal Keating:
Well, we're so happy to have you and I'm so thankful that all three of us can have this conversation. Stephanie, you're here with us as well. So, it's so nice to be talking together as sisters in the Lord.
Stephanie Daniels:
Absolutely.
Crystal Keating:
And Darby, it is great to have you on the show again. In our previous conversations, you spoke really insightfully about identifying spiritual and emotional abuse, not something that the church always talks about. And I really appreciated that you gave us practical steps on how to help those who are struggling with the impact of being in harmful relationships.
So, in your many years of working with people, you've been helping families of children who have experienced trauma. How long have you been working with moms and children and families in this area?
Darby Strickland:
Yeah, I've been a counselor for 20 years and the majority of my work is actually with parents. I'm not a child counselor but I have a child with a medical need myself and it just was so apparent to me that so many parents, particularly working with traumatized parents in the area of domestic violence, they did not know how to support their children through hard things. The Lord just put it on my heart to create a resource that will help parents navigate some of the harder moments that their children face.
Crystal Keating:
And it is so necessary to come alongside of them with God's Word and God's care and the Spirit of Christ.
So, I want to just start off with a very basic question. How would you describe what trauma is and how trauma may impact children, maybe even differently than adults?
Darby Strickland:
Yeah, trauma is a big word, right? It's all over our culture right now, and it's a word that's really hard to define. Like, what is trauma? What doesn't constitute trauma? So I find the best way to talk about trauma is it describes a reaction to a devastating event. So it actually is referring to the emotional, the spiritual, and the physical disruptions that occur when a person is overwhelmed by extreme suffering.
And I think what's different about trauma is it tends to affect both our bodies and our souls, right? Our spirit and our flesh are united and each part of us really impacts the functioning of the other person. And so when a person is dealing with after effects of trauma usually both their body and their soul are impacted in a myriad of ways.
With little people, their bodies, they can't handle a lot. We see that when they're overtired, right? When we're overtired, we can kind of push through, we grab a cup of coffee. When a child's overtired, they melt down. Same thing with when something happens in a little person's world that traumatizes them, it really affects them often behaviorally and in just the way they try to navigate the world.
So, often children will struggle with behavior regressions, they could become really clingy, bed wetting, or temperamental. They might struggle with impulse control, or moodiness, and unstoppable crying. Or they might have difficulty sleeping, right? Nightmares. It affects their bodies and they're carrying it with them with stomach aches and headaches and they're just not feeling right. Or they might not be able to concentrate, or they're extra jumpy.
Children also tend to really at times withdraw or they're expressing that they feel unsafe, you know, "Don't leave me." "I don't want to go upstairs alone." Anxiety comes in through, how they're speaking about being afraid to be alone, or how they're feeling now more vulnerable.
Stephanie Daniels:
That's really interesting, Darby. Could you maybe share some examples of frightening or traumatic situations that a child may have gone through?
Darby Strickland:
Yeah, I think, normal things that would happen would be like a car accident or being part of a natural disaster, bullying at school, attacked by a family pet, the sudden or particularly devastating loss of a loved one. But it also can come through more sinister things like they might be exposed to pornography or have a similar siblings struggling with something quite difficult, like addiction.
It could come from a medical trauma where they have to be hospitalized or they're undergoing a surgery. They had a life-threatening emergency themselves. Or, someone in the medical environment ignored them when they were in pain or didn't tell them what to expect, or they were separated from their support system.
So there's a lot of different ways in different settings that can feel traumatic. But something that just brings about extreme fear and pronounced distress.
Stephanie Daniels:
Yeah. You mentioned earlier some of the ways that trauma can be expressed in little ones who lack the capacity to talk about what's happened or what's happening. So, in your work with families, what are some of the signs that parents should be mindful of that indicate a child is struggling as a result of trauma?
Darby Strickland:
I want to say often it comes across as bad behavior. If your child's crying uncontrollably or articulating they're sad, we can usually make that connection. Oh, they're afraid because this scary thing happened in their world. When parents tend to miss it and when it comes across more as bad behavior, when a child's expressing anger, frustration, they're lacking impulse control.
Or a parent might miss it when they're having headaches, stomach aches, or complaining about not wanting to go to school. Or a child struggling in bedtime, getting up, making excuses. You know they might not be saying, "I'm terrified," they might be just saying, "I need another glass of water." So often parents see what is misbehavior, and they approach it as a discipline issue, instead of recognizing that this is an expression of fear in a child.
Crystal Keating:
And, you know, I think that's really important for us as adults and caregivers and parents to be able to discern the difference. Because what you're not saying is all disobedient behavior comes from trauma. Right?
Darby Strickland:
Correct!
Crystal Keating:
So, and that's very clear in your writings. Maybe you could even help us parse through what can parents sense and notice the difference in, this child is exhibiting rebellion, and this child is just really hurting and struggling.
Here's the other prism to this view, because we're talking about a community of people impacted by disability. So...
Darby Strickland:
Yes.
Crystal Keating:
That's another component of this conversation that's really important for us to key in. The data suggests that people with developmental disabilities actually are more prone and vulnerable to trauma than those who are quote "typical."
Research indicates that youth living with intellectual and developmental disability experience exposure to trauma at a higher rate than their non-disabled peers. And so they may be at an increased risk for physical abuse, physical restraints, seclusion, sexual abuse, emotional neglect. So, that's a huge conversation when you're a parent looking at your child and trying to discern, are they expressing this because this is something that happened to them? Or, what's going on in their little hearts?
Darby Strickland:
Yeah, and that's the challenge of a parent, right? Because we want to be wise and react appropriately, but also not overreact. So, one thing I just really encourage for parents is just to remain curious. If there's a sudden regression, or a sudden change in your child's behavior or mood, I even just encourage parents to start journaling what you're seeing. If behavior or discipline techniques that you have used in the past with your children, they no longer seem to have the same ability to restore calm and redirection, that's curious. And so it's just noticing differences, noticing some of those regressions, journaling, and slowing down in those moments.
Sometimes when we don't understand things as a parent, I can feel easily overwhelmed and I want things to settle down. Instead, I just really encourage parents to go slow. And even just to ask their children, "How are you feeling in this moment?" "Why do you think you threw the book across the room?" Instead of just jumping to a consequence, actually trying to find out from them.
And sometimes it takes time. And so we pray for the Lord to reveal things, but I think the patterns are really important to be noticing. You know, if they're having stomach aches every day before they're going to school, but that had never happened before, maybe something at school is happening that's particularly difficult for them. Then you're calling the teacher, "What's going on in the classroom?"
You're just wondering, "What could I be missing here?" And wanting to be really careful in that we don't want to be jumping to conclusions, assuming that our children have been harmed, but we also don't want to be dismissive and assuming that they haven't.
So again, it's just that curiosity. Could something have happened? Why is my child suddenly behaving quite differently? And I think it's fine to ask them at certain ages open ended questions. You know, "Has someone made you afraid?", "Has someone told you to keep a secret?" There's ways that we can ask them questions without introducing ideas at the same time.
Crystal Keating:
And I think that's such good advice to be curious and to resist being dismissive, 'cause frankly I think there is a fear that if I talk about it then maybe I'm gonna like, perpetuate the problem or make them feel sad. And I think it could be a common fear for parents and caregivers to believe that if we bring it up to a child, what may have happened, we'll be causing more pain for our young ones, and we're causing more grief.
So, rather than risk upsetting their kids, and maybe children don't even want to talk about it, I love your approach and being curious. So, maybe you could just talk again about the importance of helping children open up and talk about what happened to them?
Darby Strickland:
Yeah, the way God made children is that their hearts actively interpret their world. And we do not want to, as their under shepherds, leave them to be interpreting their world without our help and without a biblical frame for what they've experienced.
Oftentimes children, when something bad happens in their world, whether it's a parent's divorce or they've been harmed in some way, they blame themselves. They think that things are their fault. And that's something we just want to be really clear and help our children understand that you are not responsible. So, it's really important for them to even talk about why they think what happened, why it came to happen. Even asking them, "Do you feel responsible for this? 'Cause you're not."
We want to be really direct. And we can think about ourselves when we're alone in our suffering, it really compounds our anguish. And that doesn't mean that I want to sit next to someone and tell them every detail, but it does mean something when another woman, or my spouse, sits next to me and just holds my hand and gives me a tissue in my sorrow.
So sometimes I think just being with someone, giving them the permission to be sad, doesn't mean you're asking your child to talk about every aspect. It's just saying your pain matters to me. I want you to know that I'm with you. The Lord's with you. This isn't your fault. And it can be really simple.
Eventually, children might want to talk about more details. But initially we don't have to do that to be with them and to speak into what they've experienced.
Crystal Keating:
You know, one of the things I've heard is that when children aren't able to express what they've gone through, it's kind of like eating food that you don't metabolize, right? There's this emotional metabolic process where, when children are able to process it through your lens, through a lens where God's in the picture, that actually helps the intensity of what happened to decrease. It really helps them feel differently. And I think it's probably not just a one and done conversation, right Darby? Like this is ongoing and over time.
Darby Strickland:
Absolutely. It's ongoing. It's in the immediate aftermath. We're having those conversations more frequently. But even as time has gone by and the child's matured and they've developed in different ways and have different abilities to understand different things about what happened to them, or suffering in general, their response, we have to reintroduce it as well.
We don't want to fear suffering, we want to shepherd them through it. And bringing it up I think it's really redemptive. We think about scripture, the Psalmist's greatest fear is actually that the Lord would turn his face from him, and that he would be alone in his suffering. So, we are loving our children well when we're entering in and we're saying, "I see you. I'm concerned about you. Do we need to keep talking about this?"
Crystal Keating:
Yeah, you know, I'm thinking about some of our listeners today, maybe adoptive parents who have children who are struggling, and perhaps the parents don't know the history of what their children have been exposed to.
Darby, have you encountered that in your counseling practice? And what are some ways you've encouraged them?
Darby Strickland:
Absolutely. I think children of adoptive families, one, sometimes they don't know the complete history, but also having your biological parents have to make the decision, or the decision being made for them that they are not taking care of you, is a form of abandonment that could be experienced as traumatic, even if it was a well-meaning , good, and wise decision for the child.
But how the child thinks about themselves it brings to mind, "Is this person going to leave me? Am I good enough? Am I worthy enough?" Just that uncertainty, not only of their own history, but uncertainty of relationships, can really be experienced as a traumatic experience for children because they don't know if they're safe.
Crystal Keating:
Right. That consistency is so key. And, you know, if you look at the data, neglect is actually one of the most common forms of abuse, one of the most common things that's reported to CPS.
We often think about abuse as something happening to you, and we talk about neglect as being something that's not happening to you, or not happening for you. And that can cause a sense of uneasiness, like you said, they don't have a predictable caregiver. That sense of chaos can really shift their little nervous system when they don't know if they're safe, if they're going to be protected.
So all of those things add to that beauty of an adoptive family coming in and saying, "The Lord will never leave you or forsake you. He loves you. We love you." And for you to be able to walk with parents through that, I think is such a powerful thing, Darby.
Darby Strickland:
I think that's huge because when you think about physical abuse or sexual abuse, the harm is quite obvious. But we think about neglect, it's harder to see the impact that it leaves on the child.
We have to put ourselves in the shoes of a little tiny person who's hungry, or hurt, or is seeing something in front of them that's scary and they can't provide for themselves. They can't get themselves food, they can't get themselves to a doctor, they can't advocate or care for themselves, and they're actually left quite vulnerable in an environment where there should be stability and care and shepherding provided.
What's really tragic for a lot of those children is, not only do they feel the vulnerability, but they often interpret it as their inability to provide for themselves, as somehow their fault. So they bring this lens of not only, this vulnerability, but somehow my own hurt, my own pain, is a result of something I've done or I should have been able to do. And it really adds to the intensity of their distress and anguish.
Crystal Keating:
That's very true. It just breaks my heart to think about kids who aren't well cared for and then they think, "It's my fault. I'm not worthy of love. I'm not worthy of being cared for." And that shame that they carry around that can pervade into other parts of their life. And you know, Jesus cuts through all of that. But he cuts through that through his Word, through his Spirit, but through community. And I think it's those ongoing relationships over time that help a child to come out of those lies and into that beautiful truth where they settle and go, "It wasn't my fault. I am loved, because God loved me first. My parents are going to be here for me." And that shame just gets less and less.
Jesus did so many things for us by dying for us on the cross, but he also redeems our life from the pit over and over again in so many ways. And I just think this conversation is so beautiful because we talk about trauma, but there's this spiritual redemption that's happening as parents walk alongside their kids, I just think it's amazing.
Darby Strickland:
And because if we can mirror a fraction of the Lord's faithfulness to us, that's beautiful. But what we really want to be doing is pointing out the Lord's faithfulness to them, because he is the one that will never leave them or forsake them. And as you're saying, the cross wasn't just for our sin, it was also the remedy for our suffering. And the more that we can highlight that the Lord is an ever present help in times of trouble, the more we actually teach our children to run to Jesus, even instead of us. The deeper their roots and grounding and security. And they will understand, what it is to be loved is to have a faithful father who is always there.
Crystal Keating:
Amen. Amen!
Stephanie Daniels:
That's so, so good. And I love that you keep using the word shepherd. My husband and I were youth pastors for a season and we would have parents bring their kids and say, "You talk to them."
Darby Strickland:
Mmm
Stephanie Daniels:
And my husband and I would say, "We have your kids two hours out of the week. You have them the rest of the week to pastor them, essentially, to shepherd them." Why do you think parents and caregivers might struggle in their efforts to care for traumatized children? And how would you encourage them to steer these guys to a healthier path?
Darby Strickland:
Yeah, I think that's just so important. One of the reasons why I wrote this resource is that I think most parents fear that trauma is going to permanently impact their child. And they're overwhelmed by their child's suffering. And so we forget that Jesus is actually the largest and most significant shaping influence...
Stephanie Daniels:
Yeah.
Darby Strickland:
...on your child's life, not the trauma. But we forget that. And that kind of causes us to freeze.
I would say, most of the people I work with as adults who have carried trauma into adulthood is because no one walked alongside them when they were children.
Crystal Keating:
Yup.
Darby Strickland:
They say a parent walking alongside a child has more significant positive impact than a therapist for...
Stephanie Daniels:
Yes.
Darby Strickland:
A child. But yet, I understand sometimes that trauma impacted you as a parent too. So your child's suffering, your suffering, maybe whatever it was also harmed you. Maybe as a child, you too were abused, and so talking about this is particularly difficult because of wounds from your own trauma. And this is understandable.
Also, it's just really easy to react emotionally to your child because sometimes a traumatized child is just really frustrating, right? They can be inconvenient. This repetitive cycle of parenting them is frustrating potentially for a season. So, we just have to remember to be gentle in those moments. But I think as parents, when we are afraid for our children, it's hard not to go into that controlling, directive mode, right?
Stephanie Daniels:
Mhmm.
Darby Strickland:
And want to fix things immediately. Versus walking alongside and bearing with them in their suffering. So, I think it's just as parents, it's either we've been hurt or we don't know what to do with all the hurt that we're seeing.
Crystal Keating:
And the resource you mentioned, I just want to highlight again, is called, "When Children Experience Trauma: What to do When Something Scary Happens." And it is available on ccef.org. That's the Christian Counseling and Educational Foundation's website. And it's also available at other bookseller sites. It's so helpful. I read it multiple times. I think it's an excellent resource.
I want to also highlight the book for children because I was moved to tears reading about the little lamb, Miles, in your children's book, "Something Scary Happened." The artwork is beautiful. The story is so relatable; it doesn't get into specifics. But it is such a good way to read a story to children and help them identify with Miles in some way, because the world can be a scary place, and any number of experiences can prove to be traumatic for a young child. And I really love the way your book helps children process their feelings after experience trauma and provides comfort through the story of Miles.
Okay, so Miles is a little happy lamb until something bad happens and then he feels like he's all alone in a deep, dark valley. But it's there in the valley that he meets his Good Shepherd who promises to always be with him no matter what. So, Darby, I'd love for you to share about the sweet lamb. What does Miles learn about the good shepherd when he feels physically and emotionally bad and alone? And how does that relate to kids?
Darby Strickland:
I think Miles is noticing in himself he's out of sorts. He can't sleep. He's quite grumpy. He doesn't want to be with his friends. And he's having bad dreams, those kinds of things. And he meets his Good Shepherd who just picks him up. It's basically Psalm 23. He meets his Good Shepherd in the dark valley, and he realizes, not only is he not alone, but God's love is stronger than any scary thing.
I think there's just something sweet for children of recognizing they're not alone. They have someone who wants to tend to their needs, restore, like in the Psalm, a sense of peace and quiet. Someone who will guide them, someone who will stick with them, someone who will love them. And it just really is a sweet comfort to Miles in the midst of a hard moment of his life.
Stephanie Daniels:
That is so precious. Can you share some of the promises parents and caregivers can go over with their children? I know you just mentioned Psalm 23.
Darby Strickland:
Absolutely. I think from John 10, it promises that Jesus is going to listen to his precious little lambs because he loves us. He loves children. It's just encouraging children that they can tell Jesus about what happened, what they're worrying about, what they're fearing, and he loves to listen to them.
In Psalm 23, we just see this beautiful promise that we belong to him, that our Lord is our faithful Shepherd. He's never going to let us go. He's always watching over us. But he also provides for everything that we need. He gives us rest. He restored calm. He provides us strength. And he walks with us through the valley, but also up and out of the valley, because he promises that he's going to bring them to a place of feasting, of restoration, of comfort, a place one day where things will be restored.
The idea of the movement is from being alone, to Jesus actually inviting us into his home where we are with the Lord forever. Where we're just safe and loved. And Psalm 23 just has these sweet ways of being really concrete about that tenderness of the Lord, walking, leading, and leading to sweet respite in the midst of hard things.
Crystal Keating:
So uplifting. I just want to reiterate one thing from your booklet that I think we can't hear enough. Be encouraged parents, because you play a vital role in your child's healing. Your child does not need you to be an expert in trauma. Your child needs you to engage with them as they suffer, pointing the way toward hope and healing, and that hope and healing is Jesus. So, Darby, thanks so much for joining us on the podcast. It's always a pleasure to talk with you.
Stephanie Daniels:
Thanks Darby.
Darby Strickland:
Thanks for having me.