How can Christians faithfully care for a loved one living with dementia while holding onto hope, truth, and compassion? In this practical and hope-filled conversation, dementia care expert Lizette Cloete shares biblical wisdom for navigating one of life's most difficult caregiving journeys. Drawing from decades of professional experience, Lizette explains why caregiving is more than a responsibility—it's a God-given calling that shapes our hearts and deepens our dependence on Christ.
How can Christians faithfully care for a loved one living with dementia while holding onto hope, truth, and compassion?
In this practical and hope-filled conversation, dementia care expert Lizette Cloete shares biblical wisdom for navigating one of life's most difficult caregiving journeys. Drawing from decades of professional experience, Lizette explains why caregiving is more than a responsibility—it's a God-given calling that shapes our hearts and deepens our dependence on Christ.
Stephanie and Lizette discuss how to care for a loved one with dignity, navigate difficult family dynamics, communicate truth without deception, avoid caregiver burnout, and find lasting hope in God’s promises. Whether you're caring for a parent, spouse, or friend with dementia—or simply want to support someone who is—this episode offers practical tools and biblical encouragement for every step of the journey.
Connect with Lizette at ThinkDifferentDementia.com
KEY QUESTIONS:
KEY SCRIPTURES:
Stephanie Daniels:
Hi friends! I’m your host, Stephanie Daniels, and you’re listening to the Joni and Friends Ministry Podcast. We’re sharing hope as we answer real questions about disability. Join us every week for an honest and encouraging conversation, along with practical ways to include people with disability in your church and community. So, grab a seat, and let’s jump in!
Today we're talking about a subject that is close to my heart, dementia, and we're talking with Lizette Cloete, occupational therapist, dementia coach, and founder of Think Different Dementia.
Not only has Lizette walked this journey personally, which gives her a deep understanding of the real struggles a caregiver faces, but she has helped thousands of families navigate the journey of dementia care to end of life. She joins us to share that as a caregiver, you deserve to thrive, not just get by.
So no matter where you are today in your caregiving journey, Lizette's heart is to provide you with compassionate support so you can find peace and clarity. Welcome to the podcast, Lizette.
Lizette Cloete:
Thank you so much, Stephanie, for having me here.
Stephanie Daniels:
I'm so glad that you're here. So just to get us started, can you tell us a little bit about what you do?
Lizette Cloete:
I would love to. Thank you so much. I help Christian family caregivers of people living with dementia when they are stuck and they don't know what to do in order to make this particular very difficult journey easier for them.
Stephanie Daniels:
Yeah, it is a journey that needs to be made easier, definitely. How did you get interested in this line of care?
Lizette Cloete:
I think it started when I was a therapy student in South Africa. My family became family caregivers when I was 19 years old, and I was already in occupational therapy school when my mom had a massive, aneurysm rupture.
But my journey taking care of people living with dementia started when I was still a student. And I'll never forget, there was this one woman, in the Geri Psychiatric Unit and she was walking up and down the halls, saying over and over again, "I'm so tired. I'm so very, very tired. I'm so tired." And she would come stand right in front of you, and I had no idea what to do, how to help her.
And then through the early years when you start your career, you have to figure out what you're doing. You know, you, you have the knowledge, but then you gotta figure it out.
Stephanie Daniels:
Absolutely.
Lizette Cloete:
And one of the things that I realized very early on, I always used to believe people in a nursing home, couldn't go home because they physically couldn't take care of themselves. There's a part of that for sure, but many people are in facility based care because they cannot think for themselves.
Stephanie Daniels:
Mm.
Lizette Cloete:
And so that started me learning about thinking processes, how to rehabilitate after a stroke, your cognitive abilities, et cetera.
Stephanie Daniels:
Mm.
Lizette Cloete:
And then I found a natural affinity to people living with dementia. I just started learning more and more and self taught and went to courses until one day I wiped my eyes out and I'm like, "Oh, I'm actually a specialist in helping families of people living with dementia."
And so I've gone all the way through this from the medical perspective, a family caregiver's perspective, a relationship-centered perspective, and now because I started to see the lack in the medical and the lack in the caregiver-centered perspectives. And then I'm like, "Okay, Lord, what works?"
Stephanie Daniels:
Mm.
Lizette Cloete:
And it was Christ-centered care, relationship-centered care, starting with your relationship with the Lord, and everything flows from that.
Stephanie Daniels:
Wow. I feel like that fits so well into everything that we do here at Joni and Friends. 'Cause we are so dependent on Christ in all of the stages of our lives, and especially when we get to a place where we're walking through hardship and difficulty, we need Him.
So, I love that, and I'm so excited for your experience, everything He's brought you through, to get you to where you are today so you can be here to share with us. And, because I just lost my mom to Alzheimer's dementia, and I'm still very confused by the whole disease.
I was just looking at videos yesterday, and I sent them to my sister, of when we were in the doctor's office and she was getting the diagnosis that day. And I just remember the feelings I was feeling and watching her, get those words from the doctor.
When you and I first spoke, you said that there is an order in dementia if you know where to find it. So can you kind of explain what that order is?
Lizette Cloete:
Would love to, if it would be okay with you, I'm going to actually take a step back.
Stephanie Daniels:
Mm-hmm.
Lizette Cloete:
It'll help, people listening understand why I'm saying what I'm saying. Part of what, has become evident to me is that, the medical model isn't neutral...
Stephanie Daniels:
Mm-hmm.
Lizette Cloete:
In dementia and dementia caregiving. It's not neutral in any diagnosis. It has a worldview. And one of the, biggest challenges with dementia and dementia caregiving specifically has to do with how the medical model views people living with dementia.
The medical model sees only the loss you're losing your ability to do certain things, because of the disease process, right?
Stephanie Daniels:
Mm-hmm.
Lizette Cloete:
And what the Lord made very clear to me was that if you serve the Lord, and if you believe that we are created in God's image, then because we are created in God's image, then that is what gives us value. Whereas the medical model equates our value with our ability to think.
Stephanie Daniels:
Hmm.
Lizette Cloete:
And so it starts with that belief of I'm created in God's image. And because of that, it doesn't matter whether the person is able to think or not, they still have value and dignity. So dignity is the first part of it. Then the second thing was- If you listen to people, speaking about dementia, you will frequently hear people say, "It is so confusing." If you've met one person living with dementia, you've met one person living with dementia. Well...
Stephanie Daniels:
Mm-hmm.
Lizette Cloete:
I tell people all the time, I'm like, "You've met one person, you've met one person." We all are different, but the same, right? When a child is born, we're not surprised when they're 25 and they're an adult, they can function, and they've gone through all of these different developmental phases. Well, we serve a God of order, and there is order to dementia. There is order to how a person grows up, and then there's order to how people pass away when we are passing away with progressive neurological deficits. If you speak to any nurse, who works in a hospice, they can tell the different phases or stages that a person is going through...
Stephanie Daniels:
MmHm.
Lizette Cloete:
As they're passing away. You see it in cancer. You see it in dementia. You see it in any type of a, and I hate to use the word normal, because death is not really normal. It's the wages of sin. It's not supposed to be this way. But the Lord has given us a way for us to boot up- in development, and when our brain is booting down, it follows the same or very sequenced order.
Stephanie Daniels:
Hmm.
Lizette Cloete:
Part of the challenge is because my life experiences and your life experiences, Stephanie, are different. We've lived in different places. We've known different people. We have different personalities. We have different likes, wants, values, needs, desires. And so when you, add that on top of the ordered changes that the brain has it makes every person look different. But there's order in that change if you just know where to look for it.
Stephanie Daniels:
Mm-hmm.
Lizette Cloete:
How to tease it out. And then the last, part of it that's very different to how the world sees dementia is the world literally teaches a technique called therapeutic lying or therapeutic fibbing, and we serve a God of truth, which means we need to be able to find the truth and tell the truth without making things worse with or for the person who is living with actual physical changes to their brain.
Stephanie Daniels:
Mm-hmm. This is really so interesting to get the background to, the order of dementia. Thanks for explaining that. So what is it about Christianity that calls us higher in caregiving?
Lizette Cloete:
Mm. Oh, I love that question. just got chills.
We, of all people in the world who are experiencing or going through a dementia journey... Are the only ones that actually have hope. Every single family dyad, person who is the caregiver and the person who is the care receiver who are believers have something that the world does not have, and that is the knowledge and the realization that we have a never-dying soul. We have a beginning, and we are going to live forever from here on out.
And this period here on Earth, and the last years living with dementia, can be very hard. They're very challenging, for sure. I'm not gonna lie. And I recognize, not every caregiver is providing care to somebody who is a believer. I know that, I recognize that, I live that. My father is a self-professed atheist, and my husband and I moved in to help take care of him through this process, through his end of life. So I, recognize that there are people who may struggle with that because not all people who are caregivers of someone are caring for a person who is a believer.
Stephanie Daniels:
Mm-hmm.
Lizette Cloete:
If you're a believer, and the person you're caring for, if they're a believer, you have hope of eternity, and you have the knowledge that you will have a resurrected body again, and you will be intact.
And all those hardships, those tears will be wiped away. Which is one of the reasons I think the world's narrative is so negative, is because if, your only hope is that this is as good as it gets...
Stephanie Daniels:
Yeah.
Lizette Cloete:
It is a terrible way to die.
Stephanie Daniels:
Yeah.
Lizette Cloete:
People will tell me, "It is the worst death." And I'm like, "No, death sucks, period." We're not supposed to have death. We have your mom that passed away, my mom that passed away. Death is not supposed to be here. It's normal in a sin-cursed world, but it's not supposed to be this way. And so when people are navigating this without a biblical worldview, without a Christ-centered lens...
Stephanie Daniels:
Yeah.
Lizette Cloete:
No wonder it is for them truly an awful experience.
Stephanie Daniels:
Yeah.
Lizette Cloete:
Because they don't have that hope that you and I have.
Stephanie Daniels:
Yeah. Just looking at losing a loved one, I don't know how anybody does it without Christ.
Lizette Cloete:
No, I don't either.
Stephanie Daniels:
Yeah. So thankful for Him. You talked about your dad, not being a believer. Honoring your parents and providing them with dignity is hugely important, and we see it in scripture so often.
Why should we care about the care our loved ones are getting?
Lizette Cloete:
Because Christ washed his disciples' feet.
Stephanie Daniels:
Mm.
Lizette Cloete:
Christ modeled for us caregiving. We are commanded to honor our parents, that's not just our parents. that command is actually broader than just honoring your, biological parents. It's the principle behind providing care for even our infants, right? We're commanded to take care of people who are unable to take care of themselves. When we sacrificially pour ourselves out, and I'm not saying that we should sacrificially pour ourselves out to the point that we have nothing, because God commands us also to be wise stewards.
It's not only my parents. It's not only take care of the person living with dementia. It is still taking care of yourself if you're a spouse, or your, yourself as, the adult child. You are commanded to steward your whole sphere of influence, and honoring your parents may be a part of that.
Stephanie Daniels:
Mm-hmm.
Lizette Cloete:
But it's not exclusive to everything else. Did that make sense?
Stephanie Daniels:
Yeah. It does. 'Cause it's your mom, and our moms have done so much for us, and so I just did. I felt like I, I owed that to her, just to love her well, in her transition. I felt like I was holding her hand to the finish line. When you work with family members stepping into caregiving roles, you teach five phases of caregiving. What are those five phases?
Lizette Cloete:
The very first part of it, and, it's been very interesting. I've really started to see sometimes that, when people struggle with this, it can radically change their experience of their caregiving journey. And the very first part of it is this is a God-given calling on your life. We think of callings, most of us as Christians will understand, you know, there's this concept of a pastor's called to the ministry, but we have other callings in our life, whether we are being called to be a spouse or whether we're being called to be a parent. Those are all vocations or callings that the Lord gives us individually. Being a caregiver is an external calling that the Lord places in our lives.
And when a caregiver, can get to the point of realizing and accepting that this very difficult providence, this very difficult situation, whether it be, a child being born with a disability or a massive accident that changes a person's life, or a stroke. These are not random things that happen to you.
They're things that happen for you. So the first one is your calling. When a person can say to themselves, "I serve a good and loving God this is for my good and for His glory," it makes the journey easier. It doesn't make it easy.
Stephanie Daniels:
Mm-hmm.
Lizette Cloete:
It just makes it easier. It changes the lens. The second part that really plays a very important role is we need to know where are we going. What I mean by that is the person living with dementia as well as the person providing care,both of us are on a journey.
Stephanie Daniels:
Mm-hmm.
Lizette Cloete:
One of us's journey is gonna end with passing away, whether that be because of something else that happens while they're living with dementia or because they pass away from complications due to dementia. And the other person is going to continue to have time afterwards.
So it's kind of like imagining your caregiving journey as you're hiking up a mountain. And we focus so much on the caregiving journey of getting up the mountain, that when we get to the top of the mountain and our caregiving journey is finished, we still have to get down.
Stephanie Daniels:
Mm.
Lizette Cloete:
We have to get down the mountain. Looking at where we're going. What do you want your life... and not selfishly, I'm not talking about a selfish view of my life after caregiving. But you have to be able to recognize if you are a mother like I am, and say my husband had something happen, if he were to pass away, I still need to be able to be healthy enough to have relationships with my kids and my grandkids. And...
Stephanie Daniels:
Mm-hmm.
Lizette Cloete:
If I don't take care of myself, I've inadvertently put my kids in my position. So you have to have clarity about what it is that you want from this journey, and it's not just taking care of this person. It's the whole big concept. Then the third part of it is you actually have to obey the Lord in this calling, which is, the tasks, the things that we do.
Then the fourth is, throughout this journey, we are stewarding multiple different things. We're stewarding somebody else, their life to an extent, because they lose the ability to take care of themselves, But we're also stewarding our relationships like me with my husband. I cannot put my dad ahead of my husband.
I have to steward my relationship with my husband. I have to still steward my relationship with my kids. I also need to steward taking care of me. Everybody has different financial resources, time, effort, ability...
Stephanie Daniels:
Mm.
Lizette Cloete:
Skills. All of those need to be stewarded through this journey. So it's not just taking care of the person, it's looking at the whole thing.
And then the last part of it is this is a part of your and the person who you love- If they are a believer- it is a part of your sanctification or growth.
Stephanie Daniels:
Mm.
Lizette Cloete:
As you come through this journey, it's a very definitive work constantly in my heart to know that this is for my good and God's glory.
Stephanie Daniels:
Yeah. I think that's my favorite part of those five phases. When you can have that perspective about everything, you know, you're like, " Lord, I know you're gonna use this to work some things in me, and, you're gonna get the glory from it." So that is so, so encouraging.
And when you're talking about stewarding relationships, I think I'm just kind of curious. How do you help people find the balance? Because it can be so easy to elevate one thing over the other. It may feel like you're spinning plates. Like, "I just wanna make sure my loved one is getting the care they need," but you could be, forsaking your spouse How do you help people find the balance in that?
Lizette Cloete:
I think that is a very important thing in recognizing that sometimes in certain seasons there are times when things are a little bit out of balance.
Stephanie Daniels:
Mm-hmm.
Lizette Cloete:
Like when you have an infant we all know nobody's sleeping.
Stephanie Daniels:
Yeah.
Lizette Cloete:
It's recognizing that it is a season. I think one of the challenges with dementia specifically is that we do not know how long it is going to be. If we knew, and I'll, I'll use you and me as an example. We met last year, maybe October-ish, and your mom passed away not too long ago. If we had known exactly how long of a period of time things were, we can plan, we can know, we can, accommodate because we are then in a sprint.
Stephanie Daniels:
Mm-hmm.
Lizette Cloete:
Whereas with, dementia to a large extent, we don't know how long it's gonna be, so when we're in it in the middle...
Stephanie Daniels:
Yeah.
Lizette Cloete:
We're dealing with the day-to-day. And because you don't know how long it's gonna be, it's hard for people to step back and say, "Okay, it's only gonna be three months. I can do this for three months."
Stephanie Daniels:
Right.
Lizette Cloete:
I would love to challenge people to consider this. We all know, to a large extent, everybody knows and recognizes, this, it is hard to keep a human alive, right? When we have babies, it takes two parents and grandparents and aunts and uncles and people to help keep this person alive and growing and thriving.
What do we do? We bring people around us. We, find somebody, granny, to stay with the kids so that mom and dad can go away for a weekend. But when we, are in a caregiving season, it is very easy to just become that dyad, and one person is trying to take care of someone else 24 hours a day. And then, by nature of the relationship, if it is a spousal relationship, one spouse doesn't often want to leave the other spouse to go away and get respite. But you have to. No one person can be on duty 24 hours a day, seven days a week.
Stephanie Daniels:
Right.
Lizette Cloete:
If it's, adult children like me and my husband, we're not quite to the point where we have to be there 24 hours a day, and if we do, I have to be wise enough to recognize that my relationship with my husband is primary, and arrange for my sister to come stay with my dad so my husband and I can go away.
We cannot necessarily always balance everything, but we do need to order things through the lens of scripture and through the lens of what the Lord has given each of us to be our unique roles and responsibilities within the sphere of influence that He has put us in, right?
So for example, as a wife, like you've left and cleaved, you've started a new unit. Your first primary responsibility is your spouse, then your children, and then your parents.
Stephanie Daniels:
Mm-hmm.
Lizette Cloete:
So we, we have to order things through how the Lord tells us it needs to be ordered and structured. There are hard decisions that sometimes have to be made.
Each person's, situation is different because there are different players. You have unbelieving siblings, which can cause friction, or one person has more financial resources for certain things than someone else. So it's a way of looking at the whole context that the person is in and utilizing what the Lord has given them, because the Lord gives us everything that we need.
Sometimes it just means that we just need to be cognizant of it And recognize that no one person can do this by themselves.
Stephanie Daniels:
Yeah. And also, I think, too, remembering that, where we fall short, where we have to say, "God, I'm leaving this in your hands ' He can take care of the things that we have to just say, sacrificially for this time, " I can't." And He steps in so beautifully, and He'll provide, like you're saying, He provides for what you need.
Dementia presents many different emotions in the people we love, and some of those emotions are big. A standard practice in dementia care is therapeutic lying, like you mentioned earlier. And so you might agree with a person to keep them from getting angry, confused, aggressive, defensive, or sad. I was speaking with a friend the other day, and she believes her mom is in the early stages of dementia. She was torn, because her sister was encouraging her to just agree with her mom, to pacify her, but as Christians, we're called to speak the truth in love, according to Ephesians 4:15. So how do you teach people to navigate truth-telling and emotional regulation for their loved ones?
Lizette Cloete:
I love this question. So I'll start with a story and a confession. I'm a 30 year veteran in working with people with dementia, and for decades, For 30 years, therapeutic lying is very pervasive. And for a very short period of time, it may work for a bit, and it is 100% wrong.
Stephanie Daniels:
Mm.
Lizette Cloete:
A pastor friend of mine actually challenged me, because I was straddling the fence. Trying not to lie, but I couldn't really figure out how to do it well. And he and I had this conversation, and he literally told me, " Lizette, you serve a God of truth."
There is truth that you can tell. That really made me stop and think, and really consider what it was that I had seen for decades. In the whole dementia, dementia caregiving sphere, you'll, you'll hear people talk about challenging behaviors, Or the new word is responsive behaviors, And I always tell people those are just normal human behaviors magnified.
Stephanie Daniels:
Mm.
Lizette Cloete:
When I get angry, it ain't pretty, right? But right now, I have the ability to have my inhibition switch work.
Stephanie Daniels:
Mm-hmm.
Lizette Cloete:
When we have the three-year-old having the temper tantrum, their inhibition switch is not working. and I'm not equating the person living with dementia to a child. When the person living with dementia is having these real changes to their brain, those executive functions, which is what the kid doesn't have, are going away, and so their inhibition switch stops working.
And so I'm, really pondering this question, and one of the things that I started to realize and recognize is that inadvertently, through therapeutic lying, we are creating a lot of the problems that we see later on because most people have a very keen sense when somebody's not telling them the truth.
Stephanie Daniels:
Mm-hmm.
Lizette Cloete:
And now we have a person who, as their brain is changing and as their rational ability to reason goes away, what remains very intact almost all the way through their journey is their ability to respond emotionally. So when you then use therapeutic lying, even though the person may not be able to perceive that it was an actual lie, I believe they can sense that people are not being truthful to them.
They're very in tune to their emotions and other people's emotions. And so I had to stop and say, "Okay, the reality is that person truly has changes in their brain, and they truly may believe something. They're not lying. They may believe something...
Stephanie Daniels:
Mm-hmm.
Lizette Cloete:
That's not reality." You and I can see, " No, Mom, somebody didn't come in and steal your purse," or, " No, there aren't seven people standing against the wall," because they're hallucinating, whatever the situation is. Those are real things. How do I help people validate and meet the person where they are emotionally without actually lying to them?"
Stephanie Daniels:
Yeah.
Lizette Cloete:
So therapeutic lying literally is, fabricating an untruth out of whatever to keep that person satisfied or placated. So for example, Stephanie, your mom says, "I'm looking for my mom." Right? And you know your grandmother had passed away 20 years ago. The therapeutic lie in that situation is, " Don't worry, Mom, Granny'll be back in an hour. She's just gone to the store."
Stephanie Daniels:
Mm.
Lizette Cloete:
Making up an actual lie, to placate that person, and then 45 minutes later, your mom has a moment of clarity and, and now she remembers you said Granny's gone to the store, and sh- like, You just lied to me."
Stephanie Daniels:
Right.
Lizette Cloete:
Right?
Stephanie Daniels:
Wow.
Lizette Cloete:
So what I teach people to do is we do need to meet the person in their reality, and at the same time, we do not need to lie to them. And so what that looks like is you validate what they have said, but you're not agreeing with what they have said.
So for example, a situation where, where'd my mom go. You say to the person, "Yes, it sounds like you're thinking about your mom." 'Cause she's asking about her mom.
Stephanie Daniels:
Mm-hmm.
Lizette Cloete:
"Yes, it sounds like you might be missing your mom, and why don't you tell me about her?" So whatever the situation is, somebody says, "Somebody's come into the house and they've stolen all my stuff. Stephanie, they're coming in and they're taking my purse." "Yes, Lizette, it sounds like you're worried."
Stephanie Daniels:
Mm.
Lizette Cloete:
So you validate the emotion that... if I believed somebody was coming into my house, I'd be scared.
Stephanie Daniels:
Yeah.
Lizette Cloete:
Right?
Stephanie Daniels:
Yeah.
Lizette Cloete:
"Yes, Lizette, it sounds like you're worried that somebody is coming into your house, and that must be very scary."
Stephanie Daniels:
Yeah.
Lizette Cloete:
"I will take care of you. Let's go look and see if we can find it," or then try to redirect them. No human likes to be told no. And the word "but," we know pretty much negates what we've just said
Stephanie Daniels:
Mm-hmm.
Lizette Cloete:
So choosing our words, using the word yes. not "yes, I've agreed to do whatever you've said." Yes just can be an acknowledgement. Yes, I heard you. Yes, I see the emotion. Yes, it must be scary. Yes, it sounds like you're missing your mom. Yes, I understand, it looks like you're frustrated, right?
Whatever the emotion is. Yes, meet the emotion, and then using the word and, not but. Specifically using the word and, and then trying to turn the conversation away from this.
Stephanie Daniels:
That's so good. I love a formula. This is exactly what I'm dealing with with my dad, We think he's showing the beginning stages of dementia, and he's blind, and I loved your exact example, 'cause he does believe somebody's coming into my apartment at night, and they're- moving stuff around. and when we come over to visit, he's like, "Look, eh, they've made so many changes in here," and everything's exactly the same. And you don't want to make him upset, but he doesn't believe you because he can't see, but we can see, so it is just a whole kind of back and forth. So I'm admitting I'm- I'm not doing it right.
Lizette Cloete:
So with your dad, you can go in and he says to you, " They've moved everything in my house," and you say, "Yes, Dad, that must be so frustrating, specifically because you can't see, and let me help you put it back where you want it."
Stephanie Daniels:
Okay.
Lizette Cloete:
Right? Because visual- deficits truly, if he doesn't know where they're at...
Stephanie Daniels:
Oh , yeah.
Lizette Cloete:
He can't find things. So help him move things back to where he thinks they need to be. And you just keep doing it and you may have to do it 100 times.
Stephanie Daniels:
Yeah.
Lizette Cloete:
And so here's the other trick. We know we've done it 10 times. That person, they perceive it as the first.
Stephanie Daniels:
Mm.
Lizette Cloete:
Even if it is 100 times the exact same conversation. If you can have the exact same conversation with a cheerful voice and attitude and let it roll like a duck over your back...
Stephanie Daniels:
Yeah, yeah.
Lizette Cloete:
We take their anxiety down. So literally every single time you go, you may have that exact same scenario, and train yourself to not care that it's the exact same conversation, and just let it go.
And the moment people start to do that, their own frustration with the hundreds of questions, "But I just told you that." If somebody can just train themselves, " How do I fix this remote?" "Okay, here you go," cheerfully just do it, it does two things. The person who isn't remembering isn't anxious about the fact that they're not remembering.
Stephanie Daniels:
Mm-hmm.
Lizette Cloete:
And you teach yourself not to be frustrated with it over and over again, and it becomes so much easier. It is a skill we can learn.
Stephanie Daniels:
Yeah. And I think, too, when you put yourself in their shoes and think about how patient the Lord has to be with us, that- is so humbling.
Lizette Cloete:
It's very humbling.
Stephanie Daniels:
Right? Do you have any advice for families who have differing opinions on caregiving?
Lizette Cloete:
That is such a good question. Quite frankly, if you think about it, you know, if we're helping elderly parents in their 70s or 80s, we've been living with these siblings and family members for an extended period of time, right?
Stephanie Daniels:
Right.
Lizette Cloete:
And most of this drama has already always been there to some extent or another. It's just magnified when we're now helping in a caregiving situation. And if it's okay with you, I'm going to talk about the dyads-of the Christian caregiver's situation. There are, in essence, four dyads. Three are applicable to Christians, and one is specific to what I would call the world's view.
Stephanie Daniels:
Mm-hmm.
Lizette Cloete:
100%. Then you will have three Christian dyads. The easiest one is when the caregiver and the care receiver both are believers. So both of them are spiritually alive. It gives us different tools and different arsenal to work with. It's not where I go first, but if I've tried everything to fix something, sometimes, you know, we love to blame the brain.
So I first blame it on the brain, and then if I've tried everything, sometimes there is sin, right? And as a believer, if my husband, who's a believer, has dementia, sins against me, if I've figured out it's not the brain, maybe I have to confront him with sin. And that happens in a spiritually- alive situation.
Stephanie Daniels:
Mm-hmm.
Lizette Cloete:
A good friend of mine, her husband was a pastor, and he lived with dementia as well. When he was in his later stages, he would get really mad at her. She was short and he was tall, and she would just stand in front of him and say, "Leonard, we don't talk to one another that way in our household."
Stephanie Daniels:
Hmm.
Lizette Cloete:
And he would look at her and he would say, " No, we don't." And then he would ask for forgiveness because that was always their relationship, And then you have two additional ones. The one is called an unseen struggle. That is a Christian who is receiving care from an unbeliever.
For example, if the Lord does not convert my younger daughter, I could be in that situation where I am a believer and my primary caregiver is my unbelieving daughter who is helping me now through a dementia journey.
Stephanie Daniels:
Mm-hmm.
Lizette Cloete:
That can be an unseen struggle. I believe that was my mom. My mom was a believer, and my dad is not. And so that is a very unique and difficult challenge. And then the other part of it is unequally yoked. So that is a believer like myself who is taking care of an unbeliever like my dad. Now, these dyads are important in the greater family, back to your question about, family dynamics and family conflict.
And often where this comes out is with siblings, So when, you have a believing daughter taking care of a believing mother, and there's family drama, and you start to talk to those caregivers, the Christians, frequently what you can discern or determine is the people who are in those other positions are not believers.
Now, where that starts to become a problem oftentimes is because we also have people who are highly involved in the care, and then the decision-makers, and they are not always the same. So I'm highly involved, and I'm the decision-maker.
Stephanie Daniels:
Mm-hmm.
Lizette Cloete:
But I've worked with families before that are highly involved. Their mom is a believer, and they're a believer. But the decision-maker, the person who has power of attorney, is an unbeliever and uninvolved. And so you have all of these dynamics. The best thing I can tell people, because frequently the people who are frustrated in those situations, are the, the caregiver who's involved, and it's the people in the outside.
I'd love them to ask themselves or reflect if or whether it is realistic for an unbeliever to make decisions the same way a believer would Because an unbeliever's lens of the world is vastly different than a believer's. We have different values. We have different ways of making decisions.
Stephanie Daniels:
Mm-hmm.
Lizette Cloete:
And sometimes when we can just even name the elephant in the room for that person, if they can just recognize, " Oh, my brother is an unbeliever and he's the durable power of attorney, and I would make this decision, but he's not making that decision, but he's making that decision consistent with his worldview." Yes, it's hard.
Stephanie Daniels:
Mm-hmm.
Lizette Cloete:
It's hard when you're in that situation.
Stephanie Daniels:
Yeah.
Lizette Cloete:
And then we have to say that the Lord has put you in that situation where you're not that decision-maker, So what do you do? What do you have left? You have influence and you can be the advocate of that person, recognizing that as long as we're this side of glory, we are going to have conflict.
Stephanie Daniels:
Yeah. Such a good reminder. With the different dyads in mind, I'm curious, how would you encourage a believer with dementia who's receiving care from a non-believer, and vice versa?
How would you encourage a caregiving believer who is caring for a dementia patient who is unbelieving?
Lizette Cloete:
The person who is a believer who is being cared for by an unbeliever, that can be very tricky in the sense of earlier on, we have more tricks in our arsenal that we can use. if it's somebody who is still mobile, we could come alongside them and bring them with us to church or go visit them and read scripture with them or sing psalms and, and hymns and spiritual songs with them.
We can come alongside that person and be with them and be their encouragement. it's not specifically to people living with dementia, because I've had many people with physical disabilities who are believers, who have unbelievers who are their caregivers...
Stephanie Daniels:
Mm-hmm.
Lizette Cloete:
Be able to be a very good witness, right?
Stephanie Daniels:
Mm. Yeah.
Lizette Cloete:
To the person who is the unbeliever. So oftentimes, you know, we can just be a, quiet witness, to that person, recognizing that we don't do it perfectly. Now, as to a caregiver who is taking care of a person who is an unbeliever like myself and my husband, my dad has heard the Gospel.
He grew up in a house where he was in a church. He was baptized, and walked away from the faith. We have had multiple conversations. I know that he has heard the Gospel, and I also know it is not up to me to change his heart. What is up to me is to show sacrificial love and care-
And perhaps being in this position gives him enough pause to start to wonder, "Why are we different?" And that's all we can do. We can only witness in the space and place that the Lord puts us in, and do it to the best of our ability, knowing that we're not gonna do it perfectly.
Stephanie Daniels:
Yeah. I hope that encourages somebody that might, that might find themself in that space. Your main goal, from what I can see on your website, is to help dementia caregivers and receivers thrive. What does that mean to you?
Lizette Cloete:
Mm. I was thinking about this earlier today, and l- like I said at the beginning, only people who can truly thrive in a dementia caregiving and a dementia journey are people who have hope in Christ.
Stephanie Daniels:
Yes. Yeah.
Lizette Cloete:
Truly, we are the only ones who can thrive, because our hope is not in today. And yes, the people who are believers, I have seen the whole gamut. I have seen godly people who everybody would have said, you know, they are the world's most godly person on the outside, do and say, some pretty wicked things, right?
And then I have to remind myself that that is who I am. We're created in God's image, but because of the Fall, we are not inherently good. And so as that person may be changing, it is easy to then say, "Well, maybe they weren't a believer," or, My mom would never do that," right? Or say that. Well, there but for the grace of God, yeah, she will. We all will, because that's what's inside, excepting for the covering of Christ. And so how do we thrive in this journey? We thrive by keeping Christ front and center. That's the first thing.
And then the second thing is many people are immobilized because they don't know what decision to make. A lot of people feel like they need to just keep researching. "If I just find out more information, it'll make it easier." It's not necessarily that people lack information in order to thrive in this journey, it's that they don't know what to do with the information they have in their unique situation, in their context.
And that is how I help by taking the context that they're in and helping them determine what do we need to do and when so that we can make it easier.
Stephanie Daniels:
Yeah, I think what you do is just really good, because people need an advocate when you're walking through something like this.
It's hard, you need a coach. And I wanna know, how would you encourage someone who has received a dementia diagnosis? I remember somebody wrote in, they were just sharing how fearful they were because they just received an Alzheimer's diagnosis.
So how would you encourage somebody who is looking at that diagnosis in front of them and feeling like, " This is it."
Lizette Cloete:
I think that is a very, good question, and I can only imagine how that must feel. What I know to be true is that many people, when they get a diagnosis, and this goes back to what I said at the beginning about dignity, people in the medical model equating being a valuable person, our independence, our autonomy, all of those things with our ability to think. I think that is one of the reasons people are so afraid.
Stephanie Daniels:
Mm-hmm.
Lizette Cloete:
What I know happens a lot is this conversation. We go to the doctor and we get a diagnosis of dementia, a husband and a wife combination. And we get in the car afterwards, and the very first conversation in the car is, " Don't tell anybody I have dementia."
Stephanie Daniels:
Wow.
Lizette Cloete:
"Don't tell the church I have dementia. I don't want people to know."
And I believe the reason for that is this lie that we believe that people will see us differently because we cannot think the way we used to. And so I encourage everybody, if you're listening, if you listen to this podcast 10 years from now, if you get a diagnosis of dementia, your very next conversation if you're a believer, is with the leadership of your church.
Husband and wives need to go in. The church cannot really help if the church doesn't know. And what'll happen so often is because we don't want people to know, it's kind of the analogy of, charcoal coals that you're, gonna grill over, and they're all nice and warm, and you know they've got the little white ash on it.
If you shove one to the side, what happens to it? That one'll die over time. The ones that are together will continue to burn. If we actually have a diagnosis, it is not easy, but it is helpful to tell people. Because we know, the, the devil is the king of lies, And he's going to whisper in your ear.
Stephanie Daniels:
Mm-hmm.
Lizette Cloete:
And to the person who made that comment about getting a diagnosis themselves- It must be scary, and it's okay to recognize that.It's a surprise to you, but it is not to the Lord.
Stephanie Daniels:
Yeah.
Lizette Cloete:
And it makes me think of the passage at the end of John, where it talks about, when you were young, you could go places and do what you want. But when you're old, somebody's going to dress you and take you...
Stephanie Daniels:
Mm.
Lizette Cloete:
And lead you places you do not want to go. And so the Lord will provide for that person, and this was the hardest thing for me to, truly, truly wrap my head around. This journey through dementia is for my good as the caregiver, and this journey through dementia is for the person who is living with it, for their good as well. And I don't understand it.
Stephanie Daniels:
Yeah, I don't understand that either.
Lizette Cloete:
And I believe it, though.
Stephanie Daniels:
Yeah.
Lizette Cloete:
It is for their good, too. Because we love to lie to ourselves to an extent that we are independent.
But we are wholly dependent on the Lord for everything, even through the hard journey of our brain changing.
Stephanie Daniels:
Yeah. Caregiving can be massively overwhelming- for anyone, even professionals. Do you have practical tips that, would be helpful to keep hope and faith while caregiving?
Lizette Cloete:
One of the biggest observations that I've had over the years is the people who tend to do well through this journey have all consciously continued to cultivate their personal relationship with the Lord.
They still prioritize worship as best they can. May it look different? Yes, but they are doing morning devotions, or they're doing devotions at some point in the day. They're praying.
They are bringing in godly people around them, their godly friends, their church leadership or support.
Stephanie Daniels:
Mm-hmm.
Lizette Cloete:
They continue to have that around them throughout this journey. One of my friends, Deb, was helping her mom, who was living with dementia, and her mom lived with her until she passed.
All the way through to the end of her mom's life, they did, devotions together every single day. Now, did devotions go from 20 minutes of reading and dialoguing and conversing? Yes. It went from that to just reading one verse of scripture and then praying.
And then not praying maybe for 25 minutes, but literally praying for a couple of seconds or a minute, but still having that connection. Hymns, singing, specifically singing.
Stephanie Daniels:
Yeah.
Lizette Cloete:
It is one of the longest retained abilities we have, so the hymns and songs people grew up with...
Stephanie Daniels:
Beautiful.
Lizette Cloete:
Sing them over...
Stephanie Daniels:
Yeah.
Lizette Cloete:
And over again. Those are ways that we can still worship with that person...
Stephanie Daniels:
Yeah.
Lizette Cloete:
All the way up until when they pass away.And it is believed that hearing is one of the last things that go.
Stephanie Daniels:
Mm-hmm.
Lizette Cloete:
This is something that I tell people- They don't believe me, but you will be grateful for all of the photos and the videos that you take throughout this process.
Stephanie Daniels:
Yeah.
Lizette Cloete:
And you will go back and you will remember all the silly things that annoyed the crud out of you while you were going through them. And then you will remember them with fondness and love because it was unique to you and your experience.
Stephanie Daniels:
That is very true, all of that.
I took lots of photos. It was a sweet time to be there to the end with my mom. I really felt the presence of the Lord and so much peace the lady that owned the group home that she was in said, "I can only hope to go with this much peace." I think because she knew and loved Jesus and was looking forward to being with Him. So I love what you said.
Lizette Cloete:
And here's the thing, right, that you and I have, we have hope of eternity. So yes- It rendered her body and her spirit apart.
Stephanie Daniels:
Mm.
Lizette Cloete:
But immediately on that moment, she went and she was with Jesus.
Stephanie Daniels:
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Lizette Cloete:
And yeah, we're here, and we hurt, but the wages of sin is death, and we do not deserve His grace.
Stephanie Daniels:
Yeah.
Lizette Cloete:
Having saved you and me. Yeah.
Stephanie Daniels:
So thankful for it.
Lizette Cloete:
Yeah, me too.
Stephanie Daniels:
As we wrap, if one of our listeners finds themselves in this space, Lizette, um, there is a lot of heartache that comes with watching a loved one walk this journey, a Do you have any encouragement or scriptures that were helpful for you to stand on?
Lizette Cloete:
Yes. 2 Corinthians 4:16-18, " Though our outer self is wasting away, we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen."
Stephanie Daniels:
Hmm.
Lizette Cloete:
Revelation 21:4, "And death shall be no more." And then I always have to remind myself that everything is not happening to me, it's happening for me. It is forming me into the person that I am supposed to be because this journey is my journey of sanctification, which is making me more holy like Christ...
Stephanie Daniels:
Yeah.
Lizette Cloete:
Every single day. And so when we keep that in mind, does it make it easier? No. But it does make it easier. To encourage people, read their Bibles, listen to devotionals, listen to sermons if you can't be in church. Don't isolate yourselves. Find some good podcasts like this one. Surround yourself with people who can love on you and be gracious to yourself.
Stephanie Daniels:
Yeah. That's such good encouragement today. I'm so thankful for you, Lizette and what you're doing. This conversation has really blessed me, and I know it's gonna bless and encourage our listeners too. And if they want to connect with you or your business, where can they find you online?
Lizette Cloete:
I called my business Think Different Dementia because I wanted people to think different about this dementia caregiving journey.
Stephanie Daniels:
Mm-hmm.
Lizette Cloete:
So they can go to my website. there's some resources on the website. It's just thinkdifferentdementia.com. People can email me at Lizette@thinkdifferentdementia.com. If they love listening to podcasts, I do have a podcast. It's called Dementia Caregiver Support for Christians.
Stephanie Daniels:
Wonderful. Well, I hope people take advantage and go right away to your website and find out more about you and the encouragement that you're sharing there. You are just such a blessing. I just really appreciate you for being with us today.
Lizette Cloete:
Thank you so much, Stephanie.
Stephanie Daniels:
We hope this conversation touched your heart today. If it did, consider sharing it with someone who might be encouraged as well. And don’t forget to follow us on your favorite podcasting app so you never miss an episode. See you next week!
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